I will never be enough

I can’t pretend that I’m not hurting. I can’t look into your eyes and continue to be the person I am whenever I’m around you. I don’t want to feel unimportant and worthless anymore, because it kills me. It kills me to feel that no matter what I do, my worth in your heart will never level with how special you are to me. You always say that I am the closest girl you have right now. You told me that you’re so grateful to have me in your life. But how come I never felt it? How come I think that those were just empty words? My mind really wants to believe you, but my heart knows the truth. And that is I’ll never be enough. You mean the world to me and all I did was to make you happy. But knowing it’s not the same with you is just heartbreaking. Though it would make me very selfish, I decided for the both of us. I decided to end this thing between us. Whatever it is, I know it must end now. Before I even fall harder and reach the time when I can’t stand up anymore.

I started to avoid you. I took the seat far away from yours in all of our classes together. I even had meals with other groups in our batch just so I won’t see you. But us meeting is inevitable. It’s not easy making us invisible from being inseparable. And that’s what’s hurting me the most. Especially when you try to start a conversation with me since you’re seeing already the growing gap between us.

Last class of the day just ended. I was waiting for a friend in the hallway when you came. You talked to me, and all I did was nod and nod. No words ever came out of my mouth; I was basically ignoring your presence. I know you tried to joke around but I stayed looking at the other way. Then you stopped talking for a while; that was the most deafening silence in my life yet. It’s obvious that time that you’ve given up trying to reach me already. And so you just said goodbye and went away. Still standing from where you had left me, I watched you walk away. I watched you as you slowly fade from my vision for my eyes got filled with tears. I want to see you look back at me so I quickly wiped away my tears, but you never did. You didn’t even look back. I want to run towards you and just hug you tight from your back and apologize for avoiding you.. But I can’t move, as much as I’d like to, I can’t and I won’t. It hurts so much, but I know doing this would be the best for the both of us. So, I just stood there. I stayed in that corner for a while, numb and weak, still absorbing things.  And at that moment, the thought suddenly hit me: we are over and it would never be the same again.